The Contemplative Cottage

Mondays are for gratitude…counting to 1000 and beyond…

“We never know where God hides His pools.  We see a rock, and we cannot guess it is the home of the spring.  We see a flinty place, and we cannot tell it is the hiding place of a fountain.  God leads me into the hard places, and then I find I have gone into the dwelling place of eternal springs.”  Streams in the Desert, July 5th

The past three weeks have been full of wonders and many things to be thankful for as I moved into my new apartment (aka The Contemplative Cottage) and spent time with friends.  Looking back on my worries about leaving Boston and then the fears about choosing this apartment, I can’t believe I doubted! The above quote from one of my favorite devotionals captures my feeling now as I sit at my desk.  God knew exactly what place I needed to embark on the next and final stage of my PhD.

206. Wonderful furniture from friends, rides for moving stuff, and shelves for my books.

207. Fourth of July beauty shared with friends.

208. Little Sarah.

209. An afternoon on a mountain river without a clock or email or cell phone (not having reception was a great Sabbath stop!).   Forever inspired by nature artist Andy Goldsworthy (a lovely excerpt from Rivers and Tides here), I tried my hand at building a cairn…

…and discovered water bugs that look deceptively like little twigs–until they start walking around.  Yes, what you think are pieces of bark are really three life forms!

210. Camping fun with friends.

211. Exploring mossy woods with my young adventuring friend.

212. A sunlit glen hidden off the trail.

213. After giving myself a break the past few months, I finally had the feeling on Saturday, “It’s time to begin again,” so I stacked the main books for a dissertation chapter on my desk.  I had worried that the academic push of the last 5 years had permanently ended my love of reading and writing and even theological study, but each day I’ve been finding evidence that there are still embers of this vocation glowing, which God is gently fanning back into flame.

214. A lovely afternoon at Kimberlee’s twinfant shower.

215. Black-capped chickadee enjoying a feast.

216. Bible study books are not usually satisfying for me, but Cynthia Heald’s Becoming a Woman of Excellence has really opened my eyes to some life-giving insights. I’d love to go through it with a small group.

217. It seems that the twinfants have decided to stay put until they are full term.

218. For the Word’s challenge and the Holy Spirit’s conviction this week,  and the hope that God provides the heart’s treasure.

220. Matt Maher’s song “Hold Us Together.”  On July 4th, Pastor Dan told the congregation that he was leaving Bethany in November and taking a position in California.  He has been our senior pastor for 11 years.  It was the last thing I expected, but I’m trusting that we can walk this path because Bethany is a community of people who love Jesus and love each other.  God has a plan, hope, and future for Dan and Anne, he also has one for the Bethany community.

You can listen to the full song one time here: http://bit.ly/ck52Tc

Hold Us Together

It don’t have a job,
It don’t pay your bills,
Won’t buy you a home
In Beverly Hills

Won’t fix your life
In five easy steps
Ain’t the law of the land
Or the government
But it’s all you need..

Love will hold us together
Make us a shelter
to weather the storm
And I’ll be my brothers keeper
So the whole world will know
That we’re not alone

It’s waiting for you
Knockin’ at your door!
Every moment of truth
When your heart hits the floor
When you’re on your knees then…

Love will hold us together
Make us a shelter
to weather the storm
And I’ll be my brothers keeper
So the whole world will know
That we’re not alone

This is the first, day of the rest of your life
This is the first, day of the rest of your life
‘Cause even in the dark you can still see the light
It’s gonna be alright, gonna be alright

Peace and Joy to you this week!

Mondays are for gratitude…counting to 1000 and beyond…

193. The birth of Sarah Kathleen on Friday morning to dear friends Cathee and Brian. Yay!

194. A still-empty apartment feeling more like home every time I return.

195. Hours of looking at scrumptious wall colors. So thankful to the Creator Artist God for the complex physics that makes colors possible and the eyes to see them with.

196.  Walking Magnolia and finding lovely views so close to my apartment.

197. Friends helping me move (thank you, Doug!); quoting lines from Star Wars as we carried boxes and boxes of my books up the stairs (”Almost there!”).

198. The smell of freshly cut pine wood shelving.

199. New apartment sounds: Seagulls, bird song, the deep rumbling horn blast of leaving cruise ships, seaplanes, and the low buzz of the distant city.

200. A wonderful evening of laughter and reconnecting with Kim, Ryan, and Sara at Angela’s birthday party.

201. Being asked to be a godparent for a soon-to-be born little boy.  It may be the closest I get to motherhood. So honored and excited!

202. That God answers my questions when I take the time to listen.

203. A surprising and immediate answer to prayer at church yesterday.

204. Generous offers of furniture.

205. Countless meals, and tea with biscuits at Kimberlee and Doug’s. Learning how to make a BLT with avocado, sautéed portabella, arugula, and homemade mayo.  Yummy!!

206. Little Jack taking my hand as we walked down the sidewalk, and the bouncy exuberance of Little Jane.

Mondays are for gratitude…counting to 1000 and beyond…

The past few weeks, I have been industriously looking for a “contemplative cottage” here in Seattle, an apartment or little house that embodies certain characteristics: peaceful, lovely, quiet, prayerful, creative, domestic, welcoming, conducive to study, and the list goes on.

An Oregon Extension Cottage (far up in the mountains)

On the slightly more practical side, I made a list about what this dreamy abode would include, quiet being most important, good public transit, convenient to my church, cat-friendly, warm in winter, a fireplace, a view of trees or something beautiful, a deck or patio for those infrequent days of dazzling beauty, and an exposure that is bright even on the gray days.  I will be at home most of the time, working on my dissertation, so the environment is important.  Inexpensive is also on the list–a tall order in this current market.

I was surprised to find that there were also some hidden desires on my list, like the allure of early 20th century craftsmanship and living in my old neighborhood of Queen Anne.  I came face to face with these as I put a deposit on a circa 1962 apartment with most of the practical items I listed, but little of the impractical charm.

In the midst of praying and pondering and feeling anxious, I drew a card from a word of the day deck. Yes, gratitude was the word, and such a timely reminder.  I sensed God encouraging me to consider these questions:

• Can I have an attitude of gratitude toward this place, focusing on all that it has, not what it lacks?
• Can I learn to live and write and pray no matter the atmosphere, depending on Christ for inspiration, not the decor?
• Could I remember in prayer all those who do not have any housing, adequate or life-giving housing?
• Can I learn to embody, with God’s help, the very qualities I want in the brick and mortar of my home: peaceful, loving, quiet, prayerful, creative, domestic, welcoming, conducive to study, and warm?

So today, I’m thankful for…

180. A place to live in a solid building with good windows, water, electric, stove and fridge, conveniences I take for granted.

181. Public transit just outside my door.

182. Quiet, no traffic noise.

183. Inexpensive rent.

184. A fireplace.

185. A huge balcony overlooking trees.

186. Top floor.

187. Large enough to host get-togethers and dinners.

188. Really nice managers, who have been patient with me as I figured out the public transit options.

189. The best part:  as I’ve practiced gratitude, the anxiety has transformed to excitement and joy!

And some other things I’m thank-full for from this past week:

190. My mom’s surgery was a success and she is doing fine (!!!)

191. An evening at Gasworks Park, happily taking photos.

192. A delightful Sunday: Church BBQ, then afternoon tea and conversation, dinner with dear friends, and yummy ice cream!

Mondays are for gratitude…counting to 1000 and beyond…

175.

Black-capped Chickadee at my kitchen window.

176.

Sunset Skyscraper

177.

Rainy morning with....

178.

...tea and Titus

179.

More good books for a rainy day.

180.

Mutti, my lovely mom. (She is having surgery Thursday, would you pray for her?)

“I dream of a Love that even Time will lie down and be still for.”

When I was in my 20s, I used to say, if I marry, I won’t marry until I’m 30.  I could count on a few fingers men who had touched my heart–men who also only saw me as sister and friend.

Love–the covenant, life-long-promise kind of love–remained a distant hope.

“There is plenty of time,” friends and family would say, during seasons when I’d flail and founder, and demand a reason for my singleness.

Now I am 40, and can look back at two decades of dating experiences (less than one hand could count) and a brief engagement–infrequent, glorious and often painful forays into the realm of love and heart.  The Lord took me on a journey this past year after I caught another glimpse of this longed-for- Love, and promptly reached out with both hands and held on like one drowning, squeezing out its life.

I have felt a lot like Elijah impatiently pleading with God at the mouth of the cave.

Patiently and gently, the still small voice responded, “So you want to be married? Good, let’s take a realistic look at what you call love and what you would bring to a future marriage.” Through the verses of the old standard, Proverbs 31, God asked the tough questions: Do you have your house in some sense of order? Do you have an understanding of how you deal with stress and discouragement? Are you following My call on your heart and willing to make it a priority? What are your habits, good and bad? Are you able to nurture a relationship? Are you financially and emotionally stable?

I reeled and was silent in the face of such Love. Love that sought my best, not just for me, but for all whom I am in relationship with. Love that wasn’t interested in coddling me or worried about my reaction.  Love that would speak its peace and then still be there in the morning.  The kind of Love I longed for, but didn’t know the first thing about how to give or receive.

And then God had a heart-to-heart with me about the difference between love and longing.

Longing is that deep heart-desire for a kindred spirit, a person who knows me intimately, a person who loves me even when I’m not likable; the desire for comfort after a hard day, for a hand to hold in fear; for the kiss that curls the toes.

But the focus of longing is on me and what I desire.

Love was not in my relational earthquakes or the wind or the fire, the tumult or anxiety, the intensity or the tears.  Longing, yes, but not Love, a Love that simply loves, without demanding payment.

Now, the desire to be loved is good and wonderful, and this desire has a place in relationships, but actions rooted in this longing are not the same as love.  Love places the beloved at the center–not a desired response, not the fulfillment of my longing to be loved.

Am I giving love or longing? Am I seeking to do and give what is loving for the other person, or only what will garner a fulfillment of my longing?

It is a question that is changing how I approach all relationships.

But what do I do with the longing?

I write this only as one in the midst of asking the question.  I believe God is the only One who can bear and fulfill the full intensity of our longings–no person can be our fulfillment.  Deep friendships , family, and covenant relationships have space for the mutual sharing and fulfilling of longing—for love, intimacy, encouragement, delight.  However, I am persuaded that even then, the call is to love those in our lives first, and our longing’s fulfillment comes only as a grace-full gift.

I am practicing giving God my longings and giving others love.

Mondays are for gratitude…counting to 1000 and beyond…

163. Seeing dear friends graduate at Boston University.

164. A fun day with Shelly at Georges Island.

165. The thrill of a plane flying over our ferry, just seconds from landing.

166. A walk along the esplanade, looking for the little ones.

167. The beauty of a heron in flight.

168. A day of flying from Boston to Seattle–a lovely trip.  On a packed flight, I happened to be the only person next to an open window seat, so I got to move and feast on the view.

169. I continue to marvel at how, for many years, fear prevented me from flying or made flying traumatic . So thankful to no longer be imprisoned by fear.

170. A fun week with dear friends. Tea and toast and great conversation each morning, then….

171.  Moved to a temporary place, until I can find a contemplative cottage.  The view is a once-in-a-life-time blessing.  I found myself praying for the city and its people as I looked at the beautiful skyline.

172. Woke up feeling knots beginning to untie which haven’t been loose and relaxed for 5 years.

173.  A hummingbird doing aerial acrobatics in the garden. (I’ll try to take a photo if it comes back–it moved so fast!)  Hummingbirds often show up when I need a sign of confirmation–they are God’s YES to me.  This hummingbird showed up as I was praying for the city.

174.  Being back at my church of 17 years.